Our Adoption Story: Part 5...When God Speaks, You Listen

After the 1 year hearing (where the case worker originally thought severance would happen), I wrote the following e-mail: (slightly edited for length...really...it was a lot longer, but you already have that background information...)

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Last week they had a permanency hearing for Conner and Airianna. I was told afterward that nothing much happened, that the hearing had been deferred because the judge that normally oversees this case was not there. I was told that the "substitute" judge didn't want to make any rulings because he was unfamiliar with the case. The only ruling he made was that the maternal grandparents do a home study. That phone conversation with my case worker was only 2 minutes...I should have known that was a bad sign.

I figured that the maternal grandparents would be ruled out through the home study and once and for all be ruled out as a placement--after all, how could they pass it if that was the home the kids were taken out of in the first place???

Well, I got a call from the case worker this morning and apparently he's "cooled down" enough to tell me what really happened. He was very angry. Apparently the Guardian Ad Lidum had a change of heart and decided that the kids could go with the maternal grandparents which is why the home study was ordered. (Up until this point, they had been ruled out by everyone as a placement due to past history and unsuitable living conditions). According to him, the home study is very easy to pass and since it is done by a completely independent consultant, they will not know the case to know the danger of passing them. Basically they will look at the structure of the home and tell them to fix whatever needs fixed and once that is done they pass. Apparently the interview is easier than what we had to do also since they are family and they are going into "regular" foster care instead of developmentally disabled. The case worker told me this morning that he thinks they will pass. If that happens, the kids will immediately be removed from our care and put into theirs.

There are a lot of questions on our end as to how this could happen: the kids were taken from those living conditions in the first place, the mom lives with them (although they could say she's moved out) the grandmother is clearly not mentally stable (but that is not part of the "impartial" home study interview), they are alcoholics, they have been ruled out for adoption but they are okay for foster care???? However if they pass, the kids leave. You can guess how I feel about this. No mother wants to hear that her children will be taken and put into harm's way and there is nothing she can do about it--except pray--which is what I need from you. PLEASE PRAY THAT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN.

I was also told that at the first sign of any troubles (behavioral or health wise), the kids will immediately be removed and placed back into foster care, but that doesn't guarantee they would come back to us. The case worker will put a note in their file stating that it would be in their best interest to return here in that eventuality, but there are no guarantees. Part of the problem is that we are a Developmental home and they are clearly not developmentally disabled--the government has to pay us at the DD rate instead of the regular rate because that is what we are licensed for (I would gladly take a "pay cut" if it meant keeping our kids, but that isn't an option). Please pray that they will be returned to us if they are removed.

Please pray for us, but especially me, during this time. I break down in tears every time I think of them leaving. Even if they return to us, a month in that environment would completely mess them up (especially my sweet Airianna who is at the age where love and consistent discipline make all the difference). I remember when Conner first came to us--he was biting, hitting, throwing full out temper tantrums on the floor, and acted like no one had ever told him "no" before in his life. He has completely changed in the last year, but even 4 hours with the mom and grandma brings him home in a negative attitude. I don't want to see Airianna and Conner change their sweet personalities. And I can't bear the thought of losing them to a home that I know is unsafe and not knowing what will happen to them. Once they are out of my care, I am cut out of the loop. So please pray that I will be able to focus on the here and now. After all... the case worker was preparing me for the kids to spend Christmas with the family with reunification shortly thereafter as if it were a certainty and that didn't come to play. I know that nothing may come from this so please pray that I keep up hope and faith that God will take care of them (even if they do get removed...but I don't want to think about that).

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I was distraught (to say the least). I tried my best to hold myself together in front of the kids, but it was hard. Then the Lord literally brought me to my knees. Although I had been begging Him to keep the children safe, I had not "listened" to His answer. You know...you can't really get comforted by Him if you are not quiet enough to hear what He has to say.

And God had a lot to say to me at this time.

But as I said, He literally brought me to my knees first. I had awoken with a heavy heart. Trying to shake it off, I took a shower, during which the tears flowed freely. When I was through, I was sobbing so hard that it was difficult to stand. I fell on the floor...right next to my Bible. God is funny that way.

Picking up my Bible, I begged God to give me comfort and strength. I was allowing my mind to think of the reasons why Birth Mom ended up the way she did (we were able to learn a lot about her background from both her and other family members...scary stuff), and thinking about how the maternal grandmother would lead Airianna down those same roads (prostitution and early abortions being the least of the things she was involved with by the age of 14). I was being suffocated by my own fears. I needed God to clear my head--to make me useful to my children.

He "spoke" to me very clearly.

Here is the follow up e-mail I wrote later that day:

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As kind of an amendment to the long e-mail I sent out to you yesterday, I wanted to let you all know the lesson God taught me this morning. I have decided not to worry about the home study right now--BUT PLEASE KEEP PRAYING. Yesterday was VERY hard on me and when I thought no one was looking I would break down and cry about what would happen to the kids if they had to go back there. Even now it breaks my heart to think how they would "ruin" my sweet Airianna's disposition in just a month. I was thinking how Conner was when I first got him and imagining Airianna changing into those behaviors. It breaks my heart. He was 3 months older than Airianna is now. But I looked to God for comfort this morning and He pointed out that nothing has changed between Wednesday and yesterday except one man's opinion.

Before yesterday I had hope that this home study would rule out the grandparents once and for all and I knew that God would keep the kids safe. Then the case worker told me that he thought the grandparents would pass the home study and all of a sudden I believed that the kids would go to harm. God pointed out to me this morning that He didn't change, I did. And so I am not going to worry about it. God is perfect. He made these kids and He loves them more than I could ever love them. He also understands my pain, but to a much greater degree--He sent His Son, not only to a miserable home (earth), but where He knew for 100% certainty He would not only be harmed, but killed. God has ALWAYS had everything in His hands and now is when I really need to trust in Him and not despair because He knows all and I do not.

These two verses were the ones that really stood out for me:

Psalm 43:5
"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God."

and

Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

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See what I mean? When God wants to speak clearly, He speaks CLEARLY. It was a lesson that I kept with me throughout the roller coaster ride that was the next two years.


Clarification