Our Adoption Story: Part 3...Meeting Birth Mom

As I mentioned in the end of Part 2, we originally had no intention of adopting our children. Although I didn't quite think of myself as a glorified babysitter, I wasn't viewing them as "my" children either.

I tried my best to give the birth mother the benefit of the doubt. She must be young. She just doesn't know any better. Perhaps this is the wake up call she needs to get her life together. I truly wanted to help her and I wanted her to succeed in turning her life around.

I tried to place myself in her shoes. If my kids had been "taken" from me, I would want to know as much as possible about the people who had them. I wanted to give her the opportunity to ask me questions and put her mind at ease. So, I asked the parent aid (the person who monitors the visits), if there was any way I could get her phone number so I could talk with her. Birth Mom consented and I had my first conversation with her.

I don't remember most of the conversation (it was quite long), but I do remember bits and pieces. She told me that she was 21 years old and that this was the second time that Conner had been removed. The first time he was only taken for 2 weeks and that foster mom had cut his hair. It really upset her. Because of this, I didn't cut his hair for almost 2 months even though it was already fairly shaggy when I got him.

She also told me that the day care provider that called CPS was only 14 years old and was overreacting. She claimed that the bruises on Airianna's face were caused by Conner hitting her with a toy and that any "normal" person would have understood. Despite the fact that it didn't make sense to me that she would leave her 18 month old alone with her 3 month old long enough for him to completely bruise up her face, I tried to understand her point of view. Connor rarely wanted anything to do with Airianna at all (she was pretty stationary at that point--no fun!), but I tried to convince myself that he actually did it and did it out of jealousy. It didn't fit well with the (mostly) gentle boy I was beginning to know quite well, but again, I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

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Birth Mom had missed her two week court date which automatically entered the kids into the foster care system. She would be evaluated again in six months. In the meantime, she was supposed to attend regular visits with the kids (at that time the visits were scheduled for one hour, twice a week); she was assigned a parent aid to assist with teaching her mothering-type skill sets during the visits; she was supposed to attend a 6 week parenting course; she was supposed to find a new place to live (she had been living with her parents and the courts ruled that was an unsuitable environment for the kids--CPS would help her find an apartment if needed); and she was supposed to work for a minimum of 20 hours a week (CPS would also help her find a job if needed). During those first six months, none of those conditions were met to the court's satisfaction. In the first two months alone, she missed 6 of her 16 visits.

Toward the end of the 2nd month, the parent aid determined that she could no longer transport the children. We lived about an hour from the CPS office where the visits were held. Transporting the kids meant 4 hours of her day were taken with just that one client. She asked for official transport to pick up the kids. My licensing worker told me that the transportation people weren't always very reliable, and they weren't always very safe. So, I asked if I could drive the kids. The request was granted and I got to officially meet the birth mom.

Birth Mom wasn't quite what I was expecting. Conner looks a lot like Honor so I guessed Birth Mom would look similar to me. It was possible that she did, but it was hard to tell under all the hair dye and make up. Birth Mom was very short, had lots of piercings, and carried an overall "goth" feel about her. Birth Mom was a skilled actress. My first impression was that she was kind and she seemed generally grateful for the care I was taking of her children. She would send home toys or other trinkets with the kids and would stop and discuss their well-being with me. It wasn't until months later that I found out that she had actually stolen many of those toys from the CPS office (Conner liked them so instead of saying "no" to him and putting them away, she just told the parent aid that she brought them from home--it took a while for the parent aid to catch on).

But I digress...

During this time, both children were showing substantial improvement. When we first got Conner, he could only say one word: "Woof"...which was a reference to the dogs. By the end of the first month, he was saying 2-3 word sentences. He was also calling me, "Mommy." I wasn't sure what to think of that at first. I worried that I would insult Birth Mom. I worried that it wasn't the "right" thing to do. I worried that I was causing irreparable damage to his psyche. But my licensing worker assured me that it was normal. "Mommy" was my "name," and unless I wanted to have Honor call me something else, I was just going to have to get used to him calling me Mommy too. When I began actually taking the kids to visits, I did my best to keep him from saying the dreaded "M" word in front of Birth Mom. It became quite the little game for me to try to make his references to me into some other comment he was saying to her.

In the second month, a therapist came to our home and did some testing. Conner was diagnosed with borderline developmental delays. We were told that he would need to be retested in a few months to determine if further treatment would be needed and we were given exercises to help him "improve" in the areas in which he was struggling. In the fourth month he was retested and determined to be "normal," however, they decided that he could remain in our home since he would not officially be diagnosed one way or the other until he was 3.

Airianna was also doing well. She could not sit up (that did not happen until around 9 months), but she was finally able to keep food down and was gaining weight at a good pace. She smiled and laughed a lot. She slept wonderfully. She was easy...as long as I was around. Apparently she cried throughout the visits from the moment I dropped her off to the moment I picked her up. She would also cry if I left the room for any great length of time. She tolerated Daddy, but she only had eyes for Mommy. How could I resist such devotion? She had wiggled her way right into my heart and firmly implanted herself there. She spoke her first word(s) at the age of seven months: "I love you"--I kid you not. It came out as "ILuvU", but it was recognizable and repeatable. I loved her too.

It was during the 4th month that we finally met the case worker. He was an interesting man. One moment I thought he liked us, the next he was very aloof...hard to read. It was he that first brought up the idea of adoption.

We had been told that standard procedure was for the case worker to get the names of five relatives from the birth mom who could take the children if severance happened. In her case, all but one of the families were deemed unfit or chose not to take the kids. So the case worker asked us point blank if we would be willing to adopt should severance happen.

"Um..." we seriously hadn't thought about it. We hadn't thought it was even an option. We had assumed they would be reunified in two more months. That was the goal, right?

But the case manager was pretty certain that would not happen...and he was pretty certain that severance would happen within the year. Birth Mom hadn't exactly been honest with me...ever.

"Um...Oh...Okay...Yes, of course we would adopt them--if the family wasn't able to take them for whatever reason." He jotted it down in his book and left it at that. But the thought was now firmly established in my mind and heart--there was a chance that these children could be ours forever. That changed things. A lot.

Two weeks later, I called the case worker back. "Um...I know I sounded a little unsure when we talked last so I just wanted to be very clear. We want to adopt the kids. If the family is hesitant at all, we really would like to adopt the kids."

I didn't realize at the time how difficult that process would turn out to be...


Part 4